We sat in a circle in a bookstore in Alpharetta, Georgia, on a Saturday morning. At least a dozen parents had signed up for one of the workshops I was offering on talking with your children about the recent September 11, 2001, attacks on the United States. I was a second year doctoral student at the Georgia School of Psychology and had just begun a child psychology class. My professor had challenged us to explore new ways to help children through this difficult time. I created Jake’s Journey.
Jake, the dog gave parents a template to help discuss complicated emotions with their children. He also offered words and ideas about drawing their feelings. On that day as people were walking in, a mother dropped off her 9 year old son. As she turned to leave, he and I locked eyes. I decided that he would sit beside me in the circle and that we would work as a team.
I will never forget the picture he drew. It was a brown house with flowers in every color blooming outside, a big tree on the left with branches that almost took over the page, and up in the right hand corner he drew a sunshine. But the house didn’t have a door or a single window. As we talked, I learned he was afraid that this bad man would get his family and no one would ever know.
The tenth anniversary of September 11 is upon us, and although we will go about our lives, it’s not far from our minds. Regardless of whether your children do or don’t remember these attacks, anniversary events like September 11 can be opportunities to share memories, calm old fears and confirm hope.
Here are some thoughts about talking with your children:
Ask – What do you remember about this event? Then sit still and listen. Don’t fill in the blanks, just listen and ask if there is anything else?
If they don’t remember much, don’t worry, just let them know if they ever have a question, then they can come to you.
For the ones that do remember, reflecting on September 11 can be a great opportunity for brainstorming and conversation. Remember you don’t have to have all the answers, just the courage to ask the questions.
Ask about feelings – Stay focused on words that describe emotion, like scared and worried, also feeling words that relate to the body, like sick on my stomach.
Give your child a sheet of paper and something to write with and suggest that if they can’t think of the word they want to use, then draw it. Because children’s vocabulary is still developing, drawing pictures can serve as a form of self expression.
As they draw or talk, show your interest by asking them to tell you about their picture (as they talk, gently point to interesting elements of the picture and ask, what did you feel here or here?)
Your goal is to get a head nod of agreement or a yes. This acknowledgement helps you and your child feel like you’re “on the same page” and that you share feelings.
Confirm – You might say, I or we felt really frightened too. This was a terrible thing that happened, but because of it, our country has become safer.
Without getting too detailed, you want to help your children know that although you share their feelings, you will also do everything possible to take care of and protect them.
What I’ve learned personally and professionally is that what we avoid talking about, can take on a life of its own, especially for children. So talk and draw and share your concerns, age appropriately of course.
And, on Sunday, September 11, if you listen to a speaker, watch a show or read an article that reminds you of who you are as an American, know that a conversation about it will connect you as an American…children included.
Note: I believe its important to talk about our feelings at any age, but my suggestions here are mostly focused on children about 6 to 14.