More than likely, you’ve either felt it or done it, but probably haven’t read about it. Why?
Because after years of noticing it and doing it myself, I just decided to give it a name. Emotional Swat!
It goes like this…
You’re sitting in your 4th. therapy session and all of a sudden it occurs to you why you continued to stay in your previous relationship despite all the obvious signs to leave.
After the session is over, you grab your phone, heart pounding, almost in a panic, you call your best friend, Rachel.
ring, ring ring…
Hello.
Rachel – it’s Amanda, I can’t believe it – I got it – I got it – I know why I stayed with Joe through all that mess!!!!!
What?
Why I stayed, you know, with Joe – it just came to me.
You know…I quit the high school volleyball team to join the tennis team and in College, I quit tennis to run for student government and later, I quit our homeowners committee because it was getting crazy.
I’ve felt so ashamed of myself for quitting stuff, so I stayed – I stayed with Joe because I didn’t want Joe to…NO…I didn’t want so see myself as a quitter?
Oh…
Oh?
Well, um…did you know we have to get that contract out this week? (there it is – the Emotional Swat – she swatted away what you told her about what you were feeling)
What contract? I was talking about my insight and Joe.
Oh, yeah…are you still thinking about that? (second swat)
An emotional swat is quite common in communication. At first it feels like the other person didn’t hear you. But, when you realize they did, it feels intentional.
Maybe Rachel didn’t hear Amanda. Maybe she was lost in her own thoughts or maybe…she doesn’t even have a clue that she does this.
Regardless, Amanda went from feeling excited and eager to share, to feeling deflated and ashamed that she chose to share.
The simple act of acknowledging what the other person said shows that you’ve heard them.
And when we feel heard, we feel like we matter.
What a gift to give….
Here are some tools to help you demonstrate to others, that they matter to you:
- Comment on the other person’s emotion: wow this is exciting!
- Comment on the content; this is great information for you
- Comment on your feeling about what they’ve experienced: I’m so glad you got this insight