“Just give it time and you’ll be fine,” he told Allie. “I’m not worried about being fine right now Sam, this is sad and I want to feel it.”
Just give it time, is a common fix-all response of people who mean well and of people who want to avoid feeling an emotion.
Usually well meaning people want to comfort the other person, but don’t know which words are the right words to say.
People who want to avoid emotions are usually uncomfortable with emotions in general, especially if the feelings are upsetting or sad.
In this situation, instead of acknowledging Allie’s feelings Sam discounted them by just telling her that she’d be fine. Actually this probably helped Sam avoid looking at his part in Allie’s sadness.
As for time, yes – the passage of time can help soften feelings of sadness, but time in and of itself, doesn’t DO anything. It’s really how you treat that time.
Treating the time by letting yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel, by not following anyone else’s emotional schedule except for your own, by carefully choosing who you talk with about it, and by what you say to yourself.
Self critical words like move on and forget about it, and questions like what wrong with me; am I crazy for still feeling this way – do not heal and will actually help keep you stuck longer than necessary.
What I’ve learned is this…if you deny yourself the right to stop and feel something or criticize yourself for feeling it, it doesn’t go away instead it hides somewhere in your mind and will resurface when you least expect it.