Researchers tell us that about 90% of emotional communication is nonverbal.
So…do you know what you’re really feeling – for example, when your husband forgets your birthday?
Maybe you’re angry…from all outward appearances you sure seem angry, but could you really be feeling something else and your anger is just an acceptable mask?
Most emotion is layered – here’s the way I see it…
First layer – a universally accepted emotion – like anger, joy, sadness and frustration (an emotion you can see and feel).
Second layer – a hidden, specific “root” emotion – like a fear of being alone with ourselves, a fear of not being accepted or a need for approval or acceptance (emotions that are usually not seen, but often felt).
So how can we figure this out?
Think backwards – for example, the birthday question;
(Q). What are you feeling? (A). Angry
(Q). And, what else? (A). Frustrated.
(Q). And, what else? (A). Mad (this response is usually a repeat of #1)
(Q). And, what else? (A). Annoyed (this is when my patient begins to get frustrated because I keep asking – I try to confirm how frustrating this exercise feels and ask them to keep going; humor me, because most people never get past #3)
(Q). And, what else? (A). Sad…I feel sad.
(Q). What do you believe about yourself? (A). That I’m not worth being remembered on my birthday – which is the root emotion.
So, you’re feeling angry but really, inside, you feel you’re not worth being remembered on your birthday.
I won’t suggest that you not feel this feeling, but what I hope you will do is let yourself feel it.