Each week Bob Coleman makes an appointment for another test – it’s now been eleven weeks since he was given the thumbs-up to get back into his life’s routine.
Bob’s wife of fifty years, Ellie, died a while back – her death devastated him and the family. Because he had developed a solid relationship with all three children, each one called regularly… just to check-in on him.
But, today he sat waiting for his appointment, softly chatting and joking with his youngest son, Bill.
An hour later – appointment over – test negative – Bob and Bill left the office.
Bill: back to work, then home to have dinner with his wife and two small daughters.
Mr. Coleman: back home to a slightly chilly, empty and quiet house.
Therapist’s Notes
1. Basic Client Information
- Patient: healthy widowed male, age 75, w/ 3 grown children, in regular contact
- Physical Tests: all negative, no restrictions
- Recent Life Changes: wife’s died six months earlier
- Observable Behavior: ability to travel easily, positive facial expressions and conversation with son
2. Emotional Assessment
Although Bob is most likely lonely, there is a missing piece to this story – it’s grief and how it can often feel like physical pain.
Most often when he was alone at home, Bob would feel the aching pain of missing Ellie and their life together. Bob didn’t want to “bother his children” but he knew that if he needed to go to the doctor he could count on one of them to take him.
Although Bob wasn’t actually thinking of it this way, his doctor’s appointments were an “acceptable” way to visit his children.
When I mentioned this in a family session, Bob’s daughter said…”daddy we love you so much and when you tell us you’re fine alone… we believe you.”
3. Bob’s New Insight About the Role of Emotions in His Life
- his pain was emotional, NOT physical
- he ONLY felt comfortable asking for help with his physical pain
- its very “appropriate” to still be grieving Ellie’s death
- although no one was talking about it, the children were still grieving Ellie’s death too
Thankfully this is a happy story, Bob now has weekly outings and dinners with all his children and he is involved in a support group and photography class – and, he’s slowly healing.
If you are grieving, know that you are not alone, that grief is the universal emotion and it can also feel like physical pain.
Please, ask for emotional help if the pain becomes too unbearable.