Hey, If you say I hurt you..well then, I’m sorry. Um…does this FEEL like an apology to you? I didn’t think so.
What I’ve learned is that when an apology is real, you’ll feel it.
Your body and your brain know the difference between words of, I’m sorry and feelings of, I’m sorry.
Take a look at these examples:
1. The simple “I’m sorry” apology.
This one is often delivered quickly and can either be a heartfelt acknowledgement of wrong doing or just said to end the immediate conflict.
The apologizer may or may not believe they did anything wrong and the apologise may or may not feel the apologizer actually knows what needs an apology.
Regardless, both parties are okay to just drop it after “I’m sorry” is said.
2. The “I’m saying I’m sorry because you want me to” apology.
It can sound like this, “If what I did or said hurt you, then I’m sorry.” In this apology, the focus is on the word, if.
The “if” says…I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but if you need an apology, well here it is. If the apologise becomes further upset by this, “if,” the apologizer might come back with, “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”
This apology can make you crazy, because now you feel like you’re the “bad guy” for wanting an apology!
People who use this tactic (when they’re really in the wrong) use it to deflect…that is, to get the focus off their own actions. And in some cases, they don’t want to see themselves as someone who could do something wrong.
3. The “I get how you felt when I hurt you, and I’m sorry” apology.
This apology is not the easiest to deliver, in fact it requires some strength of character, but it is the best of all apologies!
Before saying I’m sorry, the apologizer thinks about how they might feel if the situation were reversed. They consider that they might feel worried and angry too. So, they use their own feelings to help acknowledge the other person’s feelings.
Here’s an example:
- I’m guessing you probably felt worried and angry when I ______.
- I want you to know that I’m really sorry.
- (Maybe you can add) and what can I do to make it up to you?
A real apology, is one that acknowledges the other person’s feelings. It says, I not only get that I hurt you, but how I hurt you.