Many people think that emotions are just something that happens “to them.” Not so…our emotions are just one of the many ingredients that make up a human.

You are a multi-dimensional human being – you think and do and work and feel. But, emotions get little attention, unless there is some kind of loss, and even then, the focus is short lived.

To help my clients get comfortable with the emotional part of their lives, I start with simple acknowledgment.

I’ve learned that most all of us want to feel acknowledged. And, sometimes not feeling acknowledged is really about us – it’s about how we ask for what we need.

The thing is, you’ve got to Know What You Feel AND Know What You Want – here’s how to get going:

Work backwards, because you will often know what you want to feel before you know exactly what’s bothering you.

1. See yourself, are you curling in, are your shoulders clinched and up, is your mouth frozen, is you heart racing?

2. Ask yourself, what do I want; a hug…or, no hug…to be by yourself…or, to be with someone…to cry…or, to not cry?

Then

3. Answer this question: I’m______? (try to use one word, like angry, lonley, frustrated)

Stop.

Don’t expand the answer with “because you make me so…” (this will undo what you want to accomplish).

4. Put it together:

I feel_____________ I want________.

For example:

I feel sad – I sure could use a hug.

I feel frustrated – I want to just be by myself for a few minutes.

I feel angry – I need for you to just listen to me until I get to the end.

Although emotions will usually be high, most people will respond to the second part of this sentence (what you want) in the way you ask.

Forget that they can’t read your mind. Acknowledge their effort; give what you want to get.

Now, go ahead and ask for what you need.

Have you ever asked…Who am I?

If you have, what was your answer?

People who are uncomfortable with this question will usually say, what do you mean, I’m…well…me.

Other people will say, hum…I guess I take for granted I know myself, but I want to think about this.

I’m not talking about labels or descriptions, I’m asking about your identity beyond the surface.

How about this, if I had 100 pieces of paper and I told you that each paper represented 1 person, and I wanted you to identify yourself, could you?

Oh, and I only listed two things:

BELIEFS – for example: we should care for nature and animals, always agree with others, never agree with others, not lie, etc.

CHARACTER TRAITS -  for example: I’m shy, friendly, introverted, angry, positive, a victim, helpless, etc.

I left off your…

• outward appearance – height, weight, hair color, etc.

• labels – mother, friend, father, wife, employee, doctor, volunteer, etc.

• likes and dislikes – I love shopping, reading, playing tennis and I hate running, snakes and doing the dishes.

I’m NOT suggesting you lose sleep over this question, but I hope you will:

1. Take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses

2. Think about how you respond in a crisis (when many inhibitions fall away and core identity is revealed)

3. think about how you respond when things don’t go your way (what we are willing to risk or who we are willing to hurt in order to win)

4. think about what you stand for

The goal is to dig deeper, to get a clearer vision of yourself and the unique gifts you have to offer your life.

We may not like where we are, what we are feeling or whom were with…BUT when we get sick or something tragic happens in our life – all we want is to be who we were before IT happened.

The emotional push-pull of situations like this one can make you feel crazy, leaving you wondering if you’re ever going to be happy.

In a lifetime, we can bet that something unexpected will happen – and when it does, it will change us.

I’ll use myself as an example; that Friday, a few months before my eighth birthday, I climbed up onto our ungrounded washing machine and dangled my feet under the running water, I set off an electrical chain reaction that stopped my heart. It erased my memory of myself and left me and my family with the new girl – the one no one knew.

For years afterward I tried to be her – the one they remembered. Why? Because I knew they loved her and I wasn’t sure they would love me…the new me. It turned out to be a painful ride.

In 1997, when I read my old hospital chart notes, the words…“Lisa should have a full recovery” sent my stomach in to a spin but I couldn’t stop reading the words over and over.

It made me think about the word Recover. I realized that telling a patient they’ll recover is not the thing to do. It’s just a word you might say BUT here’s my thinking based on what I know and have learned.

When people are vulnerable and in search of anything that offers hope, telling someone “you’ll recover” sets them up to search for a status that’s unattainable.

Weather you are the picture of health or not, you cannot be who you were yesterday. Why? Because you’ve lived another day full of new stuff, new insights, conversations, experiences, thoughts and ideas.

It’s hard for me as a therapist to tell patients they won’t Recover because I know how desperately they want themselves back. But I also know the truth is healing.

Instead I  focus on:

1. what they see themselves doing; moving in life…getting to treatment, smiling when they’re in pain and welcoming visitors

2. what they used to be afraid of and now aren’t (yes, fear is a major factor)

3. what they once avoided that they now, welcome

4. what they once wouldn’t let themselves feel, but now feel

My hope is that they will begin the next chapter of their lives.

This moment of your life will generally look much like the moment before it. The constant flow of moment to moment life comforts us. Subconsciously, it’s reliable – we know what to expect from the next moment because we just successfully completed the last one.

But, if you’ve ever heard the words…“you’re having a heart attack,” “you have cancer,” or…“there’s been an accident,” – like the quick snap of a twig, you know that life can change.

As we try to absorb the shock and reorganize our lives, we may unconsciously or consciously avoid healing.

It’s just an accepted thing that we will heal and move on. Most of us do; in time. But rarely do we consider how we heal and…who we are healing for.

Does this seem like a strange question?

Well…it seemed strange to me when I first realized that my emotions had layers.

I was living in Charleston and trying to finish my doctoral dissertation. I had gone home to for a visit and as I backed out of the driveway, I saw my father standing in the door of his workshop. For days, I couldn’t get this out of my mind…he died a few days later.

One morning while I was walking Jake, my dogs and sucking up the daily flow of tears, it hit me like a ton of bricks – yes, I was grieving daddy’s death but I was also grieving myself.

What I’ve learned in the years after my electrocution is that we can grieve our own passing; the passing of our ”well selves” – the self…person with the healthy heart, without cancer, or the person who still had a father that she could hug.

I’ve learned that when something significant in our lives changes, we change and we’re left with two options:

(a) we can make ourselves crazy trying to still be the person everyone remembers. Very often we do this because we know ”they” loved who we were and we aren’t sure they will love the “new us” or,

(b) we can grieve the passing of who we were and integrate all that we are learning about ourselves; all the current situation is teaching us to be.

I know now that I had spent too many years trying to be the girl my parents remembered, and along the way I neglected to be the person the electrocution was teaching me to be…until now.

Let yourself be taught by your experience.

Thank you to these beautiful women who participated in the Columbia, Heart Spa Project:

Sheryl Abbott, Junko Angel, Amber Banko, Tara Billinga, Margie Billings, Stacy Black, Inga Bowman, Barbara Bryan, Liz Chandler, Allison Clyburn, Ali Coatesm Mary Lou Cook, Hilton Cooper, Jill Bougan, Angie Easterlin, Jeanette Ford, Ann Gibbs, Elizabeth Gibbs, Carla Harkness, Jill Higgins, Linda Glinski, Sherrie Keisler, Debbie Kyzer, Ginger Lee, Linda LeGrand, Jessica LeGrand, Jill Long, Lisa Hammersla, Dianne Hillyer, Sarah Hillyer, Jessica Malovic, Sara Kay Jones, Tamara Morris, Pam Meetze, Carrie McDonald, Debbie McGann, Felicia Miller, Ann Minton, Christy Polk, Ann Pope, Heather Pope, Mary Reaves, Ursula Sanders, Mary Steadman, Helen Summer, Nancy Thompson, Ann Wade, Yvette Wilder, Lyn Walsh, Jo Ann Narwenski, Joyce Wernink and Debbie Young.    

Additional thanks to Maxine Deutschendorf of Infinite Yoga for guiding us in specific yoga exercises designed to relax our hearts. To Linda Glinski of the National Coalition of Women with Heart Disease who serves the community connecting women’s hearts to other women’s hearts; Jill Higgins who accompanied Linda and contributed with her time and assistance – an unexpected treat for me!

Tammy Cline of Cline’s Salon -Vista, a friend who knows the value of programs that focus on caring for women. Eva, Monika and the staff at Eva Skin Care, a rare Spa find in any size city – we’re fortunate she’s in Columbia. Lela Barker, founder of Bella Lucce Globally Inspired Beauty, who truly lives her commitment; Lisa Hammersla of Closet Joy, who offers a highly desired service that I have no doubt is so successful because of her delightful personality, and to Anne McQuary of Hey Baby Smile, who always seems to be able to capture beauty in everything and every person.  

I hope you felt pampered and informed at the event and that you enjoy these pictures!

Thank you to these beautiful women who participated in the Florence, Heart Spa Project: 

Abbie Denny, Angela Chester,Emmarie Nimmons, Marlene Pantos, Ganene Houlahan, Kathleen Snook, Beth Gause, Susan Guyton, Carol Urban, Kim Nelson, Tami Clabo, Jill Higgins, Linda Damiano, Katie Lawrence, Rebecca Clark, Lois MacIver, Audy Brink, Betty Theis, Joan Turner, Becky Fenimore, Jane Graffeo, Kathy Ham, Cathy Sandlin, Betty Hardaway, Janet McKay, Patsy Brown, Cindy Hale and Becky Williams.   

(names are in order of sign-in)

And, special thanks to these women who helped me make it happen:

Linda Glinski, Florence Representative for Women Heart: the National Coalition of Women with Heart Disease. Linda worked with Janet McKay to secure our meeting room at the Florence Country Club. Thank you to Janet and Shawn McKay for their kind generosity. To Maxine Deutschendorf of Infinite Yoga, who taught us relaxation exercises and made yoga fun! To Jill Higgins, who made the beautiful beaded lanners and to Katie Lawrence and Becky Clarke who helped organize the day of the event. And finally, to Pam Glass of Pam Glass Photography for our lovely photographs.

I’m grateful that you explored the connection between your emotions, thoughts and your heart with me - I hope that it was a fun and informative!

I enjoyed meeting you all - and…I hope that you will continue to see the ways you matter to yourself…

Lisa

Last year I read a long awaited study published by the National Institutes of Health and the National Heart Lung Blood Institute – it read… “although women are learning more about heart disease they are still not taking it seriously.”

It seemed that although women know they need to take care of their hearts, they still feel a psychological disconnect; That is, until something happens.  

My goal was to help women know that their thinking, matters when it comes to investing in themselves. 

  The Heart Spa Project   

1. To demonstrate HOW our hearts function during times of high emotion and stress

2. To show HOW certain thinking and emotion affects our hearts

3. To provide cognitive tools and show how to integrate these into daily life 

4. To fit the format of the program to the way women learn

Ok, it’s not a true spa and we didn’t wear fluffy white robes, but the women were pampered – body and mind. They learned about other women’s struggles with heart issues, enjoyed heart-healthy hours d’ oeuvres, wine, pomegranate seltzer and spa treatments! 

The program included chair yoga, information about how their heart and brain communicate and cognitive tools that can be used every day to help take the stress off their hearts.

I joined in with the Red Bag of Courage, an education and advocacy program sponsored by WomenHeart, The National Coalition of Women With Heart Disease, who gladly provided all printed material and gift bags for the women. These were filled to the brim with gifts from area sponsors who also sharred this mission. 

Heart Spa - Columbia was held at City Art Gallery in the Vista, Columbia,South Carolina on February 24, 2010. 76 women attended.

Heart Spa – Florence was held at the Florence Country Club in Florence South Carolina on March 25, 2010. 43 women attended.

Please let me know if I can answer any question you might have about the Heart Spa.

Yes…I see it a lot. People who are afraid to feel.

So, they incorporate something into their lives to help them, not feel.

Some people use alcohol, some drugs, prescription medication, work, shopping, food… and the list goes on. Sure, some medication is necessary; I’m not talking about this.

I’m talking about using “something” that distracts us from feeling.

My father’s death was, and still is, the saddest feeling I’ve ever felt. As difficult as it was, grieving helped me reflect on his life and own the gifts his life gave me.

It’s not easier for me to cope with feelings just because I work with people and their emotions everyday.

I have, however, learned how healing “feeling” can be - and how not “feeling” can hurt us and eventually hurt our hearts.

If you relate to these words - take time to get quiet, lower your shoulders, take a deep breath and let yourself feel what you are trying NOT to feel.

If you need emotional help – get it – you’re worth it.  

Sarah felt a rush of nausea as she pulled into a parking space just outside the mall.___she swallowed hard and sat in her car for a moment until it passed.

She opened the door, stood up and turned to click the lock.___standing in place she felt lighted headed and sweaty.

She wondered about what she had eaten for lunch; was it too spicy, too greasy or just too yucky? ___as she walked across the parking lot Sarah began to feel better.

“It’s nothing,” she thought.

As Sarah yanked open the large glass door, she felt extreme pressure in the middle of her chest. ___pain shot through her jaw and she bent over, feeling like she might vomit.

Right then, a woman walked up and asked if she was okay.

…”yes, I’m fine” she replied.

…”well, you don’t look fine,” the woman said, “I’m calling 911.”

…”No, really it’s just something I ate.”

…”You’re kidding yourself – it’s not something you ate – you’re having a Heart Attack!”

I know its a harsh statement BUT…If you refuse to accept that IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU then you may be one of the increasing number of women who won’t make it to the Emergency Department in time to save your life!

Learn Them – Believe Them – Act on Them…We Need You Here!

Signs to Know:

• Discomfort in Your Chest: squeezing, pressure fullness or pain (which may be severe or mild or come and go).
• Discomfort in Your Upper Body: back, neck, stomach or jaw.
• Shortness of Breath: (this may occur along with or before or after chest discomfort).
• Accompyning nausea, lightheadedness and cold sweat.

Jill and Karen are both interesting and fun women but they respond to life’s challenges in very different ways.

Jill sees every little thing as a catastrophe (the worst thing that could happen). As a result, her face becomes flushed, she clenches her fists and the veins on her neck pop out – most of all, her blood pressure soars! It may just be that the kids have on mismatching clothes or her husband forgets something on the grocery list – regardless, Jill rages over every little thing.

Jill’s thinking looks something like this:

Problem: the paint color doesn’t match the swatch.

Her Assessment/how she sees it:

The thing is, Jill has personalized her thoughts and feels attacked. Her thiking that everything is a catastrophe makes Jill feel fearful. These constant thoughts will switch on a branch of her nervous system that increases her heart rate and blood pressure.

Karen’s thinking looks something like this:

Problem: the paint color doesn’t match the swatch.

Her Assessment/how she sees it:

• Yes, it’s frustrating (admit the obvious)
• Is it something I can change or will it be like this forever (is it a catastrophe)
• How can I make it work (seek a solution)

Karen asks herself if the current problem is truly a catastrophe; just about every day. Her answer helps to regulate her emotions and this puts less strain on her heart.

If you think that heart issues are only about diet, exercise and cholesterol, think again…

How you think about your daily challenges can have a negative effect on your heart.

 Ask yourself…is this a catastrophe?