It’s an Emotional Swat!

It goes like this…

You’re sitting in your 4th. therapy session and all of a sudden it occurrs to you why you continued to stay in your previous relationship despite all the obvious signs to leave.

After the session is over, you grab your phone, heart pounding, almost in a panic, you call your best friend, Rachel.

ring, ring ring…

Hello.

Rachel – it’s Amanda, I can’t believe it – I got it – I got it – I know why I stayed with Joe through all that mess!!!!!

What?

Why I stayed, you know, with Joe – it just came to me.

You know…I quit the high school volleyball team to join the tennis team and in College, I quit tennis to run for student government and later, I quit our homeowners committee because it was getting crazy.

I’ve felt so ashamed of myself for quitting stuff, so I stayed – I stayed with Joe because I didn’t want Joe to…NO…I didn’t want so see myself as a quitter?

Oh…

Oh?

Well, um…did you know we have to get that contract out this week? (Emotional Swat)

What contract? I was talking about my insight and Joe.

Oh, yeah…are you still thinking about that? (Emotional Swat)

An emotional swat is quite common in communication. At first it feels like the other person didn’t hear you. But, when you realize they did, it feels intentional.

Maybe Rachel didn’t hear Amanda. Maybe she was lost in her own thoughts or maybe…she doesn’t even have a clue that she does this.

Regardless, Amanda went from feeling excited and eager to share, to feeling deflated and ashamed that she chose to share.

The simple act of acknowledging what the other person said, shows that you’ve heard them.

And when we feel heard, we feel like we matter.

What a gift to give….

Here are some tools to help you demonstrate to others, that they matter to you:

• Comment on the other person’s emotion: wow you’re excited.
• Comment on the content; this is great information for you.
• Comment on your feeling about what they’ve experienced: I’m so glad you got this insight.

We sat in a circle in a bookstore in Alpharetta, Georgia, on a Saturday morning. At least a dozen parents had signed up for one of the workshops I was offering on talking with your children about the recent September 11, 2001, attacks on the United States. I was a second year doctoral student at the Georgia School of Psychology and had just begun a child psychology class. My professor had challenged us to explore new ways to help children through this difficult time. I created Jake’s Journey.

Jake, the dog gave parents a template to help discuss complicated emotions with their children. He also offered words and ideas about drawing their feelings. On that day as people were walking in, a mother dropped off her 9 year old son. As she turned to leave, he and I locked eyes. I decided that he would sit beside me in the circle and that we would work as a team.

I will never forget the picture he drew. It was a brown house with flowers in every color blooming outside, a big tree on the left with branches that almost took over the page, and up in the right hand corner he drew a sunshine. But the house didn’t have a door or a single window. As we talked, I learned he was afraid that this bad man would get his family and no one would ever know.

The tenth anniversary of September 11 is upon us, and although we will go about our lives, it’s not far from our minds. Regardless of whether your children do or don’t remember these attacks, anniversary events like September 11 can be opportunities to share memories, calm old fears and confirm hope.

Here are some thoughts about talking with your children:

Ask – What do you remember about this event? Then sit still and listen. Don’t fill in the blanks, just listen and ask if there is anything else?

If they don’t remember much, don’t worry, just let them know if they ever have a question, then they can come to you.

For the ones that do remember, reflecting on September 11 can be a great opportunity for brainstorming and conversation. Remember you don’t have to have all the answers, just the courage to ask the questions.

Ask about feelings – Stay focused on words that describe emotion, like scared and worried, also feeling words that relate to the body, like sick on my stomach.

Give your child a sheet of paper and something to write with and suggest that if they can’t think of the word they want to use, then draw it. Because children’s vocabulary is still developing, drawing pictures can serve as a form of self expression.

As they draw or talk, show your interest by asking them to tell you about their picture (as they talk, gently point to interesting elements of the picture and ask, what did you feel here or here?)

Your goal is to get a head nod of agreement or a yes. This acknowledgement helps you and your child feel like you’re “on the same page” and that you share feelings.

Confirm – You might say, I or we felt really frightened too. This was a terrible thing that happened, but because of it, our country has become safer.

Without getting too detailed, you want to help your children know that although you share their feelings, you will also do everything possible to take care of and protect them.

What I’ve learned personally and professionally is that what we avoid talking about, can take on a life of its own, especially for children. So talk and draw and share your concerns, age appropriately of course.

And, on Sunday, September 11, if you listen to a speaker, watch a show or read an article that reminds you of who you are as an American, know that a conversation about it will connect you as an American…children included.

Note: I believe its important to talk about our feelings at any age, but my suggestions here are mostly focused on children about 6 to 14.

What I’ve learned is that when an apology is real, you’ll feel it.

Your body and your brain know the difference between words of, I’m sorry and feelings of, I’m sorry.

Take a look at these examples:

1. The simple “I’m sorry” apology.

This one is often delivered quickly and can either be a heartfelt acknowledgement of wrong doing or just said to end the immediate conflict.

The apologizer may or may not believe they did anything wrong and the apologise may or may not feel the apologizer actually knows what needs an apology.

Regardless, both parties are okay to just drop it after “I’m sorry” is said.

2. The “I’m saying I’m sorry because you want me to” apology.

It can sound like this, “If what I did or said hurt you, then I’m sorry.” In this apology, the focus is on the word, if.

The “if” says…I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but if you need an apology, well here it is. If the apologise becomes further upset by this, “if,”  the apologizer might come back with,  ”I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”

This apology can make you crazy, because now you feel like you’re the “bad guy” for wanting an apology!

People who use this tactic (when they’re really in the wrong) use it to deflect…that is, to get the focus off their own actions. And in some cases, they don’t want to see themselves as someone who could do something wrong.

3. The “I get how you felt when I hurt you, and I’m sorry” apology.

This apology is not the easiest to deliver, in fact it requires some strength of character, but it is the best of all apologies!

Before saying I’m sorry, the apologizer thinks about how they might feel if the situation were reversed. They consider that they might feel worried and angry too. So, they use their own feelings to help acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

Here’s an example:

1. I’m guessing you probably felt worried and angry when I ______.
2. I want you to know that I’m really sorry.
3. (Maybe you can add) and what can I do to make it up to you?

A real apology, is one that acknowledges the other person’s feelings. It says, I not only get that I hurt you, but how I hurt you.

Most all of us have been emotionally manipulated at least once in our lives, and it usually feels the same for most everyone…bad.

People who manipulate others do it for a variety of reasons that are not always obvious or reasonable. One constant however, is that they want you to question yourself. The more unsure you are of yourself, the higher the probability they can manipulate you.

So, how can you recognize and protect yourself from emotionally manipulative people?

You put aside logical reasoning and rely on your emotional information.

Why?

Because reasoning with an emotional manipulator will not work – it keeps you stuck in a never ending cycle of explining and questioning. The key is to learn to rely on the information from your emotions.

A few weeks ago I gave a talk to the South Carolina Collaborative Law group on emotional manipulation. I’ve provided my notes from that talk and a 1-6 emotional-manipulation-check-list (a gut-check as one person called it) to help guide you.

To get the bigger picture, I think its best to read my notes first then look through points 1-6 to pull it together (there is some overlap in wording).

Dr. Lisa Holland’s notes from the June 16, 2011 presentation to the SC Collaborative Law Group

“Psychological Manipulation is a type of social emotional influence that aims to change the behavior or perceptions of others through deceptive and underhanded tactics.”

When you evaluate a case, you rely on your training and past experience, but when it comes to recognizing an emotionally manipulative client, your best tool is your own emotional information.

Here are some ways to recognize people who are emotional manipulators and also recognize your own emotional information:

• Emotional manipulators are very charming. In the beginning you will like them. In general they are especially nice around others, but behind closed doors they are quite the opposite with you. They are skilled at the use of deception.

∗You may feel confused. You question that their thinking and actions don’t seem   congruent or make sense.

• They deliberately plant seeds of guilt by focusing on your perceived inadequacies. Their goal is to elevate themselves and reduce you. They listen closely to learn what affects you and then use this information as ammunition against you. Words are their weapon of choice.

∗You may question yourself and feel defensive.

• They are always right and have a deep sense of entitlement. They do not see the other side of situations or have empathy for other people’s plight. Little irritations are BIG problems for the emotional manipulator.

∗You may feel frustrated and can’t seem to understand “their” reality.

• They thrive on your reactions. Some may flirt with you and accuse you of overacting, guilt you by reminding you that they aren’t perfect, or put you down and call you sensitive when you react.

∗You may feel trapped and try to create distance by avoiding their call

Note: These are not diagnostic criteria, but some common traits of people who manipulate others in business situations. Since emotional manipulation can be subtle and logical reasoning can lead to more confusion; the first step is to pay attention to your initial feelings of in-congruence.

(1). Recognize in-congruence (something just doesn’t feel right) it’s the first clue that will start you questioning yourself.

(2). Track what you feel. If your “in-congruent emotion” is a one time thing, it’s probably no problem. However, if you continue to feel in-congruent emotions around this person, you may be experiencing “priming” a psychological construct where continued exposure produces a certain response.

(3). Do not try to reason with them or use logic to explain yourself – it won’t work. Emotional manipulators use deception as a method of communication, their tactics are not reasonable.

(4). Check your heart rate, notice if it increases during anticipation and in the moment. It will elevate with heightened emotion and calm when you relax. A heightened emotional state also makes it hard for you to think clearly. Try to keep yourself calm and let reasoning and logic support YOUR emotions. For example, you might remind yourself to stay calm, that the other person is trying to create unnecessary conflict.

(5). Don’t waste time trying to fix the situation or person.

(6). Make a decision to leave the situation or stay and protect yourself.

Wendy has been working on presenting her second case in court: the first one was a disaster. She’s practiced and paced the floor of her apartment for hours going over and over her points. And, each time she faces the judge, she chokes. She forgets her points and becomes so anxious that she starts trembling.

Why can’t Wendy get past this roadblock?

Maybe her roadblock is tied to an old childhood fear about authority – which is certainly an issue she can examine in therapy.

But, what if it’s simply the fact that she’s trying the same unsuccessful approach over and over instead of exploring a new approach?

For Wendy to build insight in her new profession, she has to learn to examine her failures. This is where a video of her first case could help her.

The thing is, our brains learn from failure.

The way you get it right next time is to study what you got wrong this time.

So, if Wendy could watch a video of her first case, she’d see herself as she faces the judge. She’d notice that she holds her glance longer than most people, as if to wait for approval. When approval doesn’t come, she reacts by chocking.

Her emotional experience of getting it wrong (by looking too long at the judge), can help her know how to get it right (by shortening her glance, only making eye contact then looking toward the jury).

The thing is, failure builds intuition.

You tend to learn more from unpleasant emotion than from pleasant emotion because it’s unpleasant emotion that helps your brain revise its models and schemas.

Here’s how it went – I was thinking about how to solve a current problem and that thinking took me to a memory from graduate school, and that…took me to an old emotion associated with a past relationship…ugh!

In a split second, I felt the ripple in my entire body! You know what I’m talking about – that cold chill with the shoulder hunch, clinched face, squintey mouth – almost like you’ve eaten rotten food, kind of feeling. I shook it off – quickly. Anyway, it was a clear everyday example of how our body remembers its experiences.

Psychological and physiological research tell us that our cells have memory. Our body remembers matches of what we think and know with what we feel, sense, smell hear, see, taste and touch.

Here’s an example in basic communication: the person says yes, but their arms are closed, they are looking away, are unusually fidgety, their voice has a odd pitch, and so you sense something is not right, then your heart begins to race.

Your brain is looking for a match of information. It’s confusing, so you ask for confirmation, again they say yes, so you go with it…then they respond with anger. You are surprized. Crazy isn’t it!

So what do you do?

Remind yourself to be aware of the match of words, emotions and senses. Also ask for confirmation.

Like this: Hey, I heard you say yes, but your body seems to be saying no – help me out…which one is it?

And, start small!

This is a picture of Ginny, my God child, when she was little.

It’s such a pure example of starting small. I feel such love for her when I look at this picture, seeing her studying, touching, smelling and sensing that daisy.

No doubt, she asked a question or two about what she was experiencing.

I wonder what she was thinking.

Ask an adult what they really, really…want and usually the answer is abstract; something that’s difficult to define or see like, “I want world peace” or “I just want to be happy.”

I’ve heard people say, “I just want to be happy” and when I ask them to tell me what “their happy” looks like, they look at me like I have two heads.

Articles about happiness seem to be showing up everywhere these days. I’m looking at three right now; Happiness At Work, Why Can’t We all Just Be Happy? and, Is Happiness Overrated?

Call me crazy, but is it possible that we could end up feeling really sad from always pursuing happiness?

I don’t think happiness is something we go looking for – it’s something we recognize.

Sure, happiness can come in the form of a new home or a positive medical report, but usually people don’t stop long enough to enjoy the feeling. They’re in a hurry to find something else…something bigger and more extraordinary.

I can suggest that you “try and be in the moment,” but if you only see happiness as some big thing, you will miss the happiness that shows up in your heart.

Wait, there it is…in the love you feel as you peek in your rear-view mirror to see your child happily singing you her favorite song.

There…in your pounding heart as you catch a glimpse of your sweet old dog holding his head out the window, grateful for one more day to feel the breeze on his face.

There…through a tear as your friend walks toward you holding out a cupcake with one candle on it. She remembered your birthday although no one else has.

You can feel the tug of happiness in your heart every day if you learn to recognize what it really looks like.

The electrocution happened years ago. Although I had written about it for myself, I had not written anything for anyone else to read. As we talked, I realized the time was right: I had tried to understand how my own path of healing affected me and my family, I had accepted that my view of life was most likely affected by this near death experience, and I felt that maybe the story would encourage people contribute to the hospital’s auxiliary.

Your life is a story. Each day you get the chance to write new words on your pages. To priortize what you worry about. If you think that every little disappointment or frustration is a catastrophe, consider what you’ll think when something truly sad happens?

I’d love to strike through the wording on some of my pages because, I’ve said a stupid or thoughtless thing or I’ve made a decision that I regret, but…if I’m fortunate, I will get a tomorrow; a chance to make it right or learn a new way to handle myself.

Each day you get a new chance to begin again; to make “it” right. Ask yourself what you’re really feeling then let yourself feel it. For example, know the difference between feeling annoyed or feeling angry.

Then decide how you will see these elements of your life. Will they take you down or strengthen your base of knowledge about yourself?

“Oh, Danielle…just be yourself” I heard her say. I was standing in the check-out line at Target behind two women who were deep into conversation; I think they were talking about a guy. Anyway, Danielle didn’t respond. Instead she looked bewildered and confused, probably because she thought she was being herself. I watched her smile fall flat as her head slowly bent down; it was as though she felt ashamed.

I was busting at the seams; I wanted say something. But I didn’t. I leaned over my cart with the 20 pound bag of dog food, light bulbs and a pack of Gummy Bears (one of my many vices) as I pretended not to listen. I was thinking…yeah, Danielle, I wouldn’t have responded to that ridiculous suggestion either!

What does the sender think the receiver will do with that information? Smack their forehead with a wow, great idea, I wished I had thought of that!

Years ago I remember someone suggesting that I too, just be myself. The problem was that I couldn’t remember who I was before the electrocution, so I had no idea how I was supposed to be that person…myself. And the person I was becoming well, let’s just say…I wasn’t paying any attention to her.

Then eventually it occurred to me that had I abandoned my own image of myself. For me the question was and is…How do I know if I’m being myself?

That chunk of my life, between trying to be the girl they remembered, and the person I wanted to know, taught me the significance of knowing who I was. It also prepared me to work with my clients; how to  help them see themselves within and outside of their families. Knowing yourself is not a touchy-feeley thing, it’s a necessity.

I’m talking about what makes you unique, what you believe in and stand for. Also knowing the difference between who others need you to be and who you need to be. So, start now, look around. You can get a quick snapshot of what you value. Think about what you’d grab if your house were on fire.

If you don’t take the time to know who you are, you run the risk of giving yourself away. You are too valuable to give yourself away. You are really all you have and you are worth knowing.

And, if you don’t know who you are, how are you going to know what you have to offer?

If someone ever says…just be yourself, I hope your response will be…I am.

I know it’s an overwhelming emotion. I think this is because we fear that we may never return to our lives if we let ourselves truly “go there.”

The thing is…if we don’t, we really are not living.

My daddy died in October of 2003. That night he had campaigned after deciding to run for another term in the state senate. When he returned home he told my mother that he “didn’t feel right” and went to bed shivering and sweating. She left to make him some hot tea and when she returned his heart had stopped beating although his pacemaker was still working.

In 2003 I was living in Atlanta so the call came in the middle of the night. Now I know what pure shock feels like. It’s like slipping out of your mind and into suspension – a place where you are alive, but don’t know that you are.

For a long time my sadness felt like a 1000 pound lead apron on my chest. I barely drug through each day as I tried to fool myself into thinking that he hadn’t died. Then on a rainy Sunday afternoon, I broke apart.

For my entire life I felt as though I was a colorful kite; dipping and soaring in the cloudy blue sky while my father stood on the ground holding the other end of the rope, encouraging me to soar higher.

The afternoon I broke apart, when I let myself truly grieve his death, I could swear I felt the snap of the rope that had connected him to me.

I saw myself standing on the ground, staring up in the sky, weeping and holding the puddle of lifeless rope in my hands. Somehow we had changed places and I watched him soar and dip softly up into the clouds.

For a moment I was consumed with panic and fury – I thought, if I hadn’t let myself go-there…feel it – I wouldn’t have had this sensation and it wouldn’t be real.

But the panic passed and as my anxiety calmed, it occurred to me that I had completed the first step of my grieving task which was to let myself feel the pain of his death. I knew this professionally, but now I knew for myself; that I had to keep pushing forward and continue grounding myself without him to counsel me.

Although I think about daddy every single day, the pain has softened. Now as thoughts of him come into my mind, I take a deep breath and focus on how grateful I am that he was the father that was given to me. He’s taught me so much about how to live and I know he is still teaching me in his death.

Death is sad and should be felt. In order to live with the loss you have to first live with the reality.

The truth is, when we’re in a stable career position, our brains seem to “lock-in.” And, we end up spending a lot of emotional energy trying NOT to think about losing our jobs – we can’t; we can’t let ourselves go there, so we don’t.

And, when things are going well, but we’re itching for more…more money, more autonomy, more something…we can get a little brazen and start pondering the idea of looking around.

It’s an interesting pull. When were “in” we yearn to be out, but when we fear we might be kicked out, we hold on and lock-in.

Actually, the conflicting emotion we’re feeling is called Loss Aversion. Research has shown that loss aversion has a greater impact on people than gain does, and that people will work harder to avoid a loss than to attain gain.

This psychological phenomenon is so powerful that in some countries automobile drivers are assigned points, for example – 12, at each renewal period. If they break the law, they lose points instead of gain points as in the US system.

Perhaps there is an upside to all of this. Maybe locking-in can make us more attentive to what we have. Maybe when we do, we discover a new sense of pride in our strengths and work harder to manage our weaknesses.

Maybe, we end up seeing the goodness in our peers instead of trying to find fault – fault that used to confirm it’s not a good place to work. Maybe we really know how fortunate we are to have stable income.

Maybe we remember a time when we thought or said the words, “get a job” and now we are ashamed of our actions because we see, it’s just not that easy.

Or just maybe, the fear of loss will help us become more aware as humans and more valuable as employees – which kind of sounds like, job security to me.

Kahneman, D. and Amos T. (1979). Prospect Theory: An Analysis of Decision Under Risk, Econometrica, XLVII, 263-291.

Getting to the root of anxiety can also be a challenge because “anxiety seeds” usually start small, and if they aren’t treated, can grow into great trees over a lifetime and also into full blown anxiety.

When I work with people trying to manage their anxiety, I usually start small and chip away at the behavioral layers that seem to have sheltered the anxiety. Sometimes the behaviors/actions have kept their anxiety alive because it supports some other issue.

For example, anxiety about getting out in public (agoraphobia), keeps you from socializing, which “you think” may keep you from being judged (root emotion). The truth is, some people judge others whether or not you avoid them (reality).

What I’ve learned is that everyday anxiety, the kind that doesn’t paralyze you, seems to be rooted in…what we think others think of us.

So how can we regulate this level of anxiety?

1.     Get to Know Yourself.  Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. Think about and make a list (yes, write it down) of the skills you bring to the table (at home, work and community).

2.     Look For Patterns.  Are you anxious with some people and not others?

3.     Think About Where You Fit.   How your strengths contribute to making the system function.

4.     Reflect.  When we gain more self awareness we tend to think that others might NOT be as critical of us as we think. This insight goes a long way toward reducing some anxiety naturally.

5.     Simple Self Talk.  When all you need to do is just manage your anxiety, telling yourself “there’s nothing to be anxious about,” actually works. Why? Because our body’s (parasympathetic branch of our autonomic nervous system) takes cues from our thinking and can help to lower our heart rate. But, if it happens over and over and affects every part of your life, this is not the answer. Get help for this.

I know I say it over and over, even though many of us have never met…your life is important, so get the therapy you need to make the changes that will help you live as happily and as beautifully as you can!

Peep died in front of me, about eight o’clock Sunday morning. I was sitting outside on the patio with the dogs, just watching him sleep. All of a sudden Peep became restless, so I lifted him out of his shoe box and put his scarf nest in my lap.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him – I felt my heart rate increase, almost like I knew that something significant was about to happen.

In that very moment Peep’s head reared back and his tiny stick legs pushed forward as if he were about to leap from a branch. He spread his wings once, then his body flopped over.

Tears welled up in my eyes – one second he was in life, and in the next second he was gone. I had the intense feeling that he was flying.

I’ve been there myself, at the edge of my life, and I’ve also been with other people at the edge of theirs – some return and some do not. This feeling is hard to explain, but in many ways it’s like stepping backwards toward the edge of a cliff until one step takes you over.

In a moment…half of the life holds back while the other half takes flight.

Since we can’t control natural death, it seems we don’t even think about it. This is a shame – we skim over it and quickly put it our of our minds. But just taking the time to stop and truly consider it, even if it’s once a year, might remind us to appreciate more and argue less.

Really, the only elements that matter in a life are people, nature and time.

This is Peep.

So…do you know what you’re really feeling – for example, when your husband forgets your birthday?

Maybe you’re angry…from all outward appearances you sure seem angry, but could you really be feeling something else and your anger is just an acceptable mask?

Most emotion is layered – here’s the way I see it…

First layer – a universally accepted emotion – like anger, joy, sadness and frustration (an emotion you can see and feel).

Second layer – a hidden, specific “root” emotion – like a fear of being alone with ourselves, a fear of not being accepted or a need for approval or acceptance (emotions that are usually not seen, but often felt).

So how can we figure this out?

Think backwards – for example, the birthday question;

(Q). What are you feeling?   (A). Angry

(Q). And, what else?   (A). Frustrated.

(Q). And, what else?   (A). Mad (this response is usually a repeat of #1)

(Q). And, what else?   (A). Annoyed (this is when my patient begins to get frustrated because I keep asking – I try to confirm how frustrating this exercise feels and ask them to keep going; humor me, because most people never get past #3)

(Q). And, what else?   (A). Sad…I feel sad.

(Q). What do you believe about yourself?   (A). That I’m not worth being remembered on my birthday – which is the root emotion.

So, you’re feeling angry but really, inside, you feel you’re not worth being remembered on your birthday.

I won’t suggest that you not feel this feeling, but what I hope you will do is let yourself feel it.

You are a multi-dimensional human being – you think and do and work and feel. But emotions get little attention, unless there is some kind of loss, and even then the focus is short lived.

To help my clients get comfortable with the emotional part of their lives, I start with simple acknowledgment.

I’ve learned that most all of us want to feel acknowledged. And sometimes not feeling acknowledged is really about us – it’s about how we ask for what we need.

The thing is, you’ve got to Know What You Feel AND Know What You Want – here’s how to get going:

Work backwards, because you will often know what you want to feel before you know exactly what’s bothering you.

1. See yourself; are you curling in, are your shoulders clinched and up, is your mouth frozen, is your heart racing?

2. Ask yourself, what do I want:

a hug… or no hug…

to be by yourself…or to be with someone…

to cry…or to not cry

Then:

3. Answer this question: I’m______? (try to use one word, like angry, lonely, frustrated)

Stop.

Don’t expand the answer with “because you make me so…” (this will undo what you want to accomplish).

4. Put it together:

I feel_____________ I want________.

For example:

I feel sad – I sure could use a hug.

I feel frustrated – I want to just be by myself for a few minutes.

I feel angry – I need for you to just listen to me until I get to the end.

Although emotions will usually be high, most people will respond to the second part of this sentence (what you want) in the way you ask.

Remember that they can’t read your mind. Acknowledge their effort; give what you want to get.

Now, go ahead and ask for what you need.

If you have, what was your answer?

People who are uncomfortable with this question will usually say, what do you mean, I’m…well…me.

Other people will say, hum…I guess I take for granted I know myself, but I want to think about this.

I’m not talking about labels or descriptions, I’m asking about your identity beyond the surface.

How about this, if I had 100 pieces of paper and I told you that each paper represented 1 person, and I wanted you to identify yourself, could you?

Oh, and I only listed two things:

BELIEFS – for example: we should care for nature and animals, always agree with others, never agree with others, not lie, etc.

CHARACTER TRAITS -  for example: I’m shy, friendly, introverted, angry, positive, a victim, helpless, etc.

I left off your…

• outward appearance – height, weight, hair color, etc.

• labels – mother, friend, father, wife, employee, doctor, volunteer, etc.

• likes and dislikes – I love shopping, reading, playing tennis and I hate running, snakes and doing the dishes.

I’m NOT suggesting you lose sleep over this question, but I hope you will:

1. Take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses

2. Think about how you respond in a crisis (when many inhibitions fall away and core identity is revealed)

3. think about how you respond when things don’t go your way (what we are willing to risk or who we are willing to hurt in order to win)

4. think about what you stand for

The goal is to dig deeper, to get a clearer vision of yourself and the unique gifts you have to offer your life.

The emotional push-pull of situations like this one can make you feel crazy, leaving you wondering if you’re ever going to be happy.

In a lifetime, we can bet that something unexpected will happen – and when it does, it will change us.

I’ll use myself as an example; that Friday, a few months before my eighth birthday, I climbed up onto our ungrounded washing machine and dangled my feet under the running water, I set off an electrical chain reaction that stopped my heart. It erased my memory of myself and left me and my family with the new girl – the one no one knew.

For years afterward I tried to be her – the one they remembered. Why? Because I knew they loved her and I wasn’t sure they would love me…the new me. It turned out to be a painful ride.

In 1997, when I read my old hospital chart notes, the words…“Lisa should have a full recovery” sent my stomach in to a spin but I couldn’t stop reading the words over and over.

It made me think about the word Recover. I realized that telling a patient they’ll recover is not the thing to do. It’s just a word you might say BUT here’s my thinking based on what I know and have learned.

When people are vulnerable and in search of anything that offers hope, telling someone “you’ll recover” sets them up to search for a status that’s unattainable.

Whether you are the picture of health or not, you cannot be who you were yesterday. Why? Because you’ve lived another day full of new stuff, new insights, conversations, experiences, thoughts and ideas.

It’s hard for me as a therapist to tell patients they won’t Recover because I know how desperately they want themselves back. But I also know the truth is healing.

Instead I  focus on:

1. what they see themselves doing; moving in life…getting to treatment, smiling when they’re in pain and welcoming visitors

2. what they used to be afraid of and now aren’t (yes, fear is a major factor)

3. what they once avoided that they now welcome

4. what they once wouldn’t let themselves feel, but now feel

My hope is that they will begin the next chapter of their lives.

But, if you’ve ever heard the words…“you’re having a heart attack,” “you have cancer,” or…“there’s been an accident,” – like the quick snap of a twig, you know that life can change.

As we try to absorb the shock and reorganize our lives, we may unconsciously or consciously avoid healing.

It’s just an accepted thing that we will heal and move on. Most of us do; in time. But rarely do we consider how we heal and…who we are healing for.

Does this seem like a strange question?

Well…it seemed strange to me when I first realized that my emotions had layers.

I was living in Charleston and trying to finish my doctoral dissertation. I had gone home to for a visit and as I backed out of the driveway, I saw my father standing in the door of his workshop. For days, I couldn’t get this out of my mind…he died a few days later.

One morning while I was walking Jake, my dogs and sucking up the daily flow of tears, it hit me like a ton of bricks – yes, I was grieving daddy’s death but I was also grieving myself.

What I’ve learned in the years after my electrocution is that we can grieve our own passing; the passing of our ”well selves” – the self…person with the healthy heart, without cancer, or the person who still had a father that she could hug.

I’ve learned that when something significant in our lives changes, we change and we’re left with two options:

(a) we can make ourselves crazy trying to still be the person everyone remembers. Very often we do this because we know ”they” loved who we were and we aren’t sure they will love the “new us” or,

(b) we can grieve the passing of who we were and integrate all that we are learning about ourselves; all the current situation is teaching us to be.

I know now that I had spent too many years trying to be the girl my parents remembered, and along the way I neglected to be the person the electrocution was teaching me to be…until now.

Let yourself be taught by your experience.

Thanks to the National Coalition of Women with Heart Disease and their representative Linda Glinski who who connects women’s hearts to other women’s hearts. To Maxine Deutschendorf of Infinite Yoga for guiding us in specific yoga exercises designed to relax our hearts.  Jill Higgins who accompanied Linda and contributed her time and assistance – and an unexpected gift for the ladies.

Tammy Cline of Cline’s Salon -Vista, a friend who knows the value of programs that focus on caring for women. Eva, Monika and the staff at Eva Skin Care, a rare Spa find in any size city.

Lela Barker, founder of Bella Lucce Globally Inspired Beauty, who truly lives her commitment; Lisa Hammersla of Closet Joy, who offers a highly desired service to help women un-clutter their lives; and to Anne McQuary of Hey Baby Smile, who always seems to be able to capture beauty in everything and every person.

And especially to Wendy Wells of City Art Gallery.

]]> http://lisahollandphd.com/2010/04/heart-spa-project-columbia/feed/ 2 http://lisahollandphd.com/2010/04/heart-spa-project-florence-pictures/ http://lisahollandphd.com/2010/04/heart-spa-project-florence-pictures/#comments Tue, 06 Apr 2010 18:13:59 +0000 Lisa Holland http://lisahollandphd.com/?p=613 Florence, Heart Spa Project

Attendees:

Abbie Denny, Angela Chester,Emmarie Nimmons, Marlene Pantos, Ganene Houlahan, Kathleen Snook, Beth Gause, Susan Guyton, Carol Urban, Kim Nelson, Tami Clabo, Jill Higgins, Linda Damiano, Katie Lawrence, Rebecca Clark, Lois MacIver, Audy Brink, Betty Theis, Joan Turner, Becky Fenimore, Jane Graffeo, Kathy Ham, Cathy Sandlin, Betty Hardaway, Janet McKay, Patsy Brown, Cindy Hale and Becky Williams.

And, special thanks to these women who helped me make it happen:

Linda Glinski, Florence Representative for Women Heart: the National Coalition of Women with Heart Disease. Linda worked with Janet McKay to secure our meeting room at the Florence Country Club. Thank you to Janet and Shawn McKay for their kind generosity. To Maxine Deutschendorf of Infinite Yoga, who taught us relaxation exercises and made yoga fun! To Jill Higgins, who made the beautiful beaded gift and to Katie Lawrence and Becky Clarke, Pam Glass of Pam Glass Photography for our lovely photographs.

It seemed that although women know they need to take care of their hearts, they still feel a psychological disconnect; That is, until something happens.

My goal was to help women know that their thinking, matters when it comes to investing in themselves.

The Heart Spa Project

1. To demonstrate HOW our hearts function during times of high emotion and stress

2. To show HOW certain thinking and emotion affects our hearts

3. To provide cognitive tools and show how to integrate these into daily life

4. To fit the format of the program to the way women learn

Ok…it’s not the typical spa and we didn’t wear fluffy white robes, but the women were pampered – body and mind. They learned about other womens struggles with heart issues, enjoyed heart-healthy hours d’ oeuvres, wine, pomegranate seltzer and spa treatments!

The program included chair yoga, information about how their heart and brain communicate and cognitive tools that can be used every day to help take the stress off their hearts.

I joined in with the Red Bag of Courage, an education and advocacy program sponsored by WomenHeart, The National Coalition of Women With Heart Disease, who gladly provided all printed material and gift bags for the women. These were filled to the brim with gifts from area sponsors who also shared this mission.

Heart Spa – Columbia was held at City Art Gallery in the Vista, Columbia,South Carolina on February 24, 2010.

Heart Spa – Florence was held at the Florence Country Club in Florence South Carolina on March 25, 2010.

Over 150 women attended both events.

Please let me know if I can answer any question you might have about the Heart Spa.

So, they incorporate something into their lives to help them, not feel.

Some people use alcohol, some drugs, prescription medication, work, shopping, food… and the list goes on. Sure, some medication is necessary; I’m not talking about this.

I’m talking about using “something” that distracts us from feeling.

My father’s death was, and still is, the saddest feeling I’ve ever felt. As difficult as it was, grieving helped me reflect on his life and own the gifts his life gave me.

It’s not easier for me to cope with feelings just because I work with people and their emotions everyday.

I have, however, learned how healing “feeling” can be - and how not “feeling” can hurt us and eventually hurt our hearts.

If you relate to these words - take time to get quiet, lower your shoulders, take a deep breath and let yourself feel what you are trying NOT to feel.

If you need emotional help – get it – you’re worth it.

She opened the door, stood up and turned to click the lock.___standing in place she felt lighted headed and sweaty.

She wondered about what she had eaten for lunch; was it too spicy, too greasy or just too yucky? ___as she walked across the parking lot Sarah began to feel better.

“It’s nothing,” she thought.

As Sarah yanked open the large glass door, she felt extreme pressure in the middle of her chest. ___pain shot through her jaw and she bent over, feeling like she might vomit.

Right then, a woman walked up and asked if she was okay.

…”yes, I’m fine” she replied.

…”well, you don’t look fine,” the woman said, “I’m calling 911.”

…”No, really it’s just something I ate.”

…”You’re kidding yourself – it’s not something you ate – you’re having a Heart Attack!”

I know its a harsh statement BUT…If you refuse to accept that IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU then you may be one of the increasing number of women who won’t make it to the Emergency Department in time to save your life!

Learn Them – Believe Them – Act on Them…We Need You Here!

Signs to Know:

• Discomfort in Your Chest: squeezing, pressure fullness or pain (which may be severe or mild or come and go).
• Discomfort in Your Upper Body: back, neck, stomach or jaw.
• Shortness of Breath: (this may occur along with or before or after chest discomfort).
• Accompanying nausea, feeling of lightheaded and cold sweats.

Jill sees every little thing as a catastrophe (the worst thing that could happen). As a result, her face becomes flushed, she clenches her fists and the veins on her neck pop out – most of all, her blood pressure soars! It may just be that the kids have on mismatching clothes or her husband forgets something on the grocery list;  regardless, Jill rages over every little thing.

It looks something like this…

Problem: the paint color doesn’t match the swatch.

Her Assessment/how she sees it:

The thing is, Jill has personalized her thoughts and feels attacked. Her thinking that everything is a catastrophe makes Jill feel fearful. These constant thoughts will switch on a branch of her nervous system that increases her heart rate and blood pressure.

Karen’s thinking looks something like this:

Problem: the paint color doesn’t match the swatch.

Her Assessment/how she sees it:

• Yes, it’s frustrating (admit the obvious)
• Is it something I can change or will it be like this forever (is it a catastrophe)
• How can I make it work (seek a solution)

Just about every day, Karen asks herself if the current problem is truly a catastrophe. Her answer helps to regulate her emotions and puts less strain on her heart.

If you think that heart issues are only about diet, exercise and cholesterol, think again…

How you think about your daily challenges can have a negative effect on your heart.

Ask yourself…is this a catastrophe?

In order to try and understand the meaning of words I would isolate each one and repeat it to myself to see how it sounded. Then I’d listen to the inflection in other peoples’ voices when they said the same words; I’d also watch their facial expressions and mannerisms – I wanted to see how the words fit.

It was tedious work. But it taught me to sense the psychological connection to a word’s meaning.

The word Disease, as in Heart Disease, has lost its power. What… you say?

Although Disease means an interruption of an organ’s normal function – we have somehow come to think of Heart Disease as something we’ll think about later, when we’re older. Because we think we have more time to change the outcome.

Um…how do we know that we have more time - especially when we don’t know how much time we have.

What if I called it Heart Poison? Does this bring up a different image?

Would we take more ownership of how we treat ourselves if we thought that certain choices could poison us?

The thing about Heart Disease is that we have some power over it.

Obviously, we cannot change some risks: Family History, Gender, Age, and Factors We Don’t Know Anything About.

But, others are changeable: Weight, Cigarette Smoking, Cholesterol, Inactive Lifestyle, Social Support, Diabetes, Stress, Hostile Personality, and Hypertension.

Try using the word Poison instead of Disease for a while and see if you make better choices.

Sometimes just changing one word can cause us to change the way we think and act.

So when we read that Social Support is a risk factor of heart disease, we don’t give it much attention because it seems normal and everyday.

If you think that social support is just talk…here are two studies to think about:

1. The Stockholm Female Coronary Risk Study, examined 131 women aged, 35 to 65 years, who were hospitalized for an acute coronary event. The study found that women with little or no social support were two and one half times more likely to have serious coronary artery disease than women with strong social support.

2. The Honolulu Heart Program, studied 4,653 men, asking about their social interactions with relatives and coworkers. The study found that the larger a man’s social network was, the less likely he was to experience angina, a heart attack or any type of heart disease.

Even today, with all we know about the risk factors of heart disease, we aren’t totally sure why Social Support is significant. Some research has shown that people with low social support have higher systolic blood pressure and heart rates than people with high social support.

Regardless of what the research will ever tell us, I believe that from their first beats, our hearts know what they need to stay strong and healthy…

other hearts.

A long illness can bring up unexpected and complicated emotions in the people around you. Usually, neither patient nor friend is aware of this subtle shift – but it often sounds a lot like Shelia’s words.

The shift represents a change between Internal and External thinking.

• Helping others as they heal is normal. We have empathy for their situation and we do what we can to help make their situation better (External Thinking).

• But when their illness lingers, it often brings up fears about our own health. We begin to wonder how we might cope if we were in their shoes (Internal Thinking).

If you’ve ever felt what Shelia’s felt, here’s a way to express your emotions:

Say, “I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me while I’ve been ill. I can only imagine what feelings my illness has brought up in you. I want you to know that if you are ever in my place, I’m going to be there for you.”

Think about the basics of worth; what’s a car worth if we can’t drive it? Nothing…so we change the oil and make sure it has gas. Then it brings us value.

But what about our worth to ourselves?

I’ve seen people’s self-worth grow when they recognize a personal characteristic or a strength that they didn’t know they had.

I remember a study in graduate school where three guys in a psychology class decided to take turns complementing an unattractive woman in their class – they wanted to see if their complements made a difference. It wasn’t the kindest study, but they learned that the more they complemented the woman on her hair, her choice of clothes and smile, the more she began caring her herself.

She washed her hair more often, wore more flattering clothes and started smiling. At the end of the semester, she had become so self-confident and attractive that each had asked her out on a date. She felt it was worth it to care for herself.

The story fits a theory; we care for what we value and deem worthy.

The thing is…I believe when you see how important your heart is…when you appreciate how much it does for you, then you will care for it better than you ever have.

I was eight years old when I was electrocuted. And, like most children who develop empathy for teddy bears and imaginary friends, I developed tremendous empathy for my heart.

I felt sorry for my heart. I believed that my poor little heart must have felt all the pain that I thankfully couldn’t remember.

Years later while I was in my doctoral program, I began thinking back over those years. I came across several pictures I’d drawn in 1973 and showed them to my therapist. She said, “Lisa, you were really working hard to figure this out weren’t you?”

She was right.

Now, as I work with people who are trying to heal their emotionally broken as well as physically broken hearts, I wonder why it is that we only seem to think about our hearts in relation to DISEASE or LOVE.

1. Physical (an organ) that we’ll think about sometime in the future; Heart Attack or Heart Disease.

2. Symbolic (of love) or lost love; Heartbroken or Heart Ache.

Seems we’ve taken the out-of-sight and out-of-mind attitude when it comes to caring for our hearts.

I think the question we should ask ourselves is this…

Why do we think that our heart will remain committed to us 24-hours a day regardless of how we treat it?

We don’t even expect this out of our relationships!

Develop empathy for your heart.

Henry, her husband of twenty-one years died six months ago of heart related issues and Liz has been spitting mad ever since.

When her friends ask if she’s talked about her feelings with the doctor, Liz screams… NO! ARE YOU KIDDING…I wouldn’t give him the time of day!

So, Liz’s well-meaning and loving friends have learned NOT to ask any more questions. And, because they don’t ask, she has gotten angrier!

Now Liz talks about her anger to strangers in the grocery store, to retail sales clerks and even to the new postal carrier. She continues to focus on her anger and refuses to think about anything else.

Liz is ruminating.

Rumination can be a mask for grief especially after the death of a loved one. By ruminating about her anger Liz can avoid thinking about her sadness.

In psychology rumination describes a vicious cycle. It is the repetitive dwelling on a problem, with a focus on how bad you feel and how awful things are – without taking action to make things better.

Research on undisclosed trauma tells us that rumination tends to extend the time that people are sad or anxious and if it continues without attention it can make a sad situation even worse.  

What we know is this…regardless of why a person dies, the more the surviving spouse is able to talk about the death with a friend, therapist or trusted person, the more able they are to grieve the loss and move beyond bereavement.

Some of Liz’s rumination is understandable. It may have helped her stay connected to her feelings as she slowly accepted the reality of Henry’s death.

But chronic rumination can hurt us more than help us…

We avoid thinking that it’s time to act because if we don’t act, then maybe we can fool ourselves into thinking that the problems aren’t really happening.

I recently read an article that questioned why, with all the education about the symptoms of a heart attack, were some people still hesitant about getting to hospital ASAP!

I think this hesitation is also about pain – about the way we think about and define pain. For some reason we still think that it’s not a heart attack unless we are in physical pain.

Not all symptoms are physically painful, especially with women; some symptoms are “out of the ordinary and unusual.”

Yes you may have PHYSICAL PAIN – but if you don’t, ask yourself this…Do I have UNUSUAL PAIN or UNUSUAL DISCOMFORT?

For example,

• Do you sense that You Don’t Feel Quite Right?
• Are you Dizzy, when you’re usually not?
• Are you Anxious, when you’re usually not?
• Are you Weak, when you’re usually not?
• Are you Fatigued, when you’re usually not?
• Do you have Shortness of Breath, when you usually don’t?

Many women still say…”if I go to the hospital and it’s not a heart attack they might think I’m overreacting or I’m a hypochondriac.”

Trust yourself and stay in touch with “what feels right” and with “what does not feel right” for your body.

If your symptoms are out of the ordinary for you – Err on the side of caution and GO… ASAP!

Obviously, some worry is reasonable; it’s a good thing to wonder if you’ve turned the oven off.

But… chronic worry is generally a need for control. It also puts unnecessary strain on your heart and compromises your ability to cope with stress.

Here’s how: a region in our brains called the Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC) helps organize the conversation between what we feel and what we know.

Our ACC is typically activated by a sudden thought or startling situation like a loud bang in the kitchen just as you’re about to drift off to sleep!

Picture a clear light tube with red blips of light running back and forth; on one end, the light alerts our consciousness, and on the other end, it signals our muscles to prepare us to act. The more we agonize the faster the light travels back and forth – the faster it travels – the higher our heart rate goes!

If we give every problem, every decision… the same amount of worry and its, say a 10 on a scale from (0 to 10) then WE are keeping our hearts in an unnecessary state of strain.

After my electrocution, I worried all the time because I was trying to figure out what happened to my memory and my heart. My situation was so unusual and I couldn’t ask anyone about it because they didn’t know either.

So, over the years I learned to rely on FOUR thoughts that help me; I hope they’ll help you too:

1. Ask yourself – Will I Ever Know the Answer?

2. Ask yourself – Can I Change Anything?

3. Prioritize Your Worries - Rank them from 0 to 10 (after I rank a worry, often times I can stop because I see that the thing on my mind just isn’t worth worrying about).

4. Give Yourself Necessary Time – (if my worry is real then I give it the time it deserves, I plan a day and time hopefully  without interruption and I think about it AND I let myself feel it; no TV, radio or phone, just me and my plan for the situation I’m worried about.

Most of us have something important that deserves our attention but we’re afraid to just be with it. Maybe it’s sad or maybe we are fearful that we don’t have the resources to change it so we try not to think about it…but, we really ARE thinking about  it – we’re holding it just beside our consciousness all day long until it wears us out!

We all worry: help your heart by worrying about what matters.

Did you know that research over the last two decades has shown that depression and heart disease are common companions? Studies show that depression can appear after heart disease and/or heart disease surgery.

Although it’s still difficult to pinpoint the exact reasons why, we know that depression affects a person’s ability to stay regular with their medications and participate in life.

Symptoms of depression can stem from a number of factors:

• Family history, physical health, environmental factors
• Improper balance of brain hormones that help regulate mood
• High levels of stress, loss and grief, life transition

Since this topic is quite broad, I’ll focus on one area that I’ve seen with my patients and that I have also come to understand through my own experience.

After the cardiac event many people experience a conflicting range of emotions. On one hand they are grateful to be given another chance – and on the other hand, this new chance comes with a hefty dose of rules and regulations; don’t smoke, eat right, lose weight, check your cholesterol, exercise, control your stress. All the necessary changes can make you feel like you must be perfect – and well, perfect isn’t reality.

Not all patients will experience depression, but for those who do, the conflicting range of emotions can make you feel stuck. Feeling stuck and not knowing how to cope with these emotions can cause you to feel hopelessness.

Feeling hopeless about your life and having no interest in your life are two main factors in depression.

Just knowing that your feelings are real and that conflicting emotions can cause hopelessness, could help you begin to feel unstuck. Once you begin to feel unstuck your ability to cope may increase .

Often times healing can begin with a single shift in insight – I hope this insight helps you.

Your life is important. If you are feeling overwhelming anxiety or sadness, please don’t hesitate to ask your doctor for a referral for psychological care or appropriate medication.

References:

Pratt L., Ford D., Crum R., et al. Depression, psychotropic medication and risk of myocardial infarction. Perspective data from the Baltimore ECA follow-up. Circulation, 1996; 94 (12): 3123-9.

Frasure-Smith N., Lesperance F., Talajic M. Depression and 18th-month prognosis after myocardial infarction. Circulation, 1995; 91 (4): 999-1005.

Just as I handed him the bag, the collective force of people pushing through the isle moved me forward and further away from even thinking about my computer – into the sights, sounds and smells of the Charles DeGaulle Airport.

Later when I unpacked, it hit me – I could see my little computer lying in seat 37-F of Delta’s Flight 22 to Paris. I immediately called the lost and found at both Delta and Air France, sent several e-mails in French and English, and a fax but no response. I checked again on the day I flew home, but it was long gone.

I apologize for the break in my blog. But… if it were not for this mistake of mine I might not have received such lovely e-mail from readers asking me about where I was!

Seems something good is “eventually” traded for someting bad.

I recieved some thoughtful comments about whereI’d been – here are two:

• …”Susan’s Story helped put words to my  feeling of emptiness after my last doctor’s appointment”

• …”I’m kind of ashamed that I’ve just expected my heart to pump, regardless.”

Thanks again for your kind e-mail,

Lisa

In a haze, I heard her say, my heart feels… I can’t breathe… we were both the same age, 41.

I called out – Please! We need an ambulance!

Within minutes the EMT’s arrived and lifted Rollie up into the ambulance – I heard her say…”Lisa, I need you to go with me!” What, me? okay…

I jumped in, the doors slammed shut, the siren went on and we lurched forward with the start. Up front I heard the driver calling Rollie’s husband to meet us at the hospital.

As he hung up the phone, she looked at me and said, “go…now!” I knew what she was talking about and so I began a guided imagery.

“the sun is warm and soft – you’re walking toward your chair that faces the ocean – you’re wearing a lime green bathing suit, carrying a book in one hand and a margarita in the other – you can hear the wave’s crash and the sound of seagulls…”

I opened my eyes for a second just to see where we were and I caught the EMT guy with a blank look on his face – his gloved hands were suspended in mid-air and he was holding a syringe in one hand.

It was one of those unexplainable moments as all three of watched Rollie’s heart-beat register on the monitor. Each beat slower than the one before.

When we pulled under the canopy of the Emergency Department at the Cleveland Clinic, the EMT guy was still holding the syringe up in one hand but Rollie’s heart-rate was stable.

“Um” he said, “I guess I’ll hold off on this injection – but, I… crap that worked – I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it.”

Full stop – the doors flew open and we flowed out and in to emergency department.

Thankfully, today, Rollie is fine. We are both still working with patients – she’s at Walter Reed and I’m in private practice.

Although I had trained to do a guided meditation, I had never done one under stress. But, that day, I was sold.

I got it – the powerful connection between our heart and mind.

Bob’s wife of fifty years, Ellie, died a while back – her death devastated him and the family. Because he had developed a solid relationship with all three children, each one called regularly… just to check-in on him.

But, today he sat waiting for his appointment, softly chatting and joking with his youngest son, Bill.

An hour later – appointment over – test negative – Bob and Bill left the office.

Bill: back to work, then home to have dinner with his wife and two small daughters.

Mr. Coleman: back home to a slightly chilly, empty and quiet house.

Therapist’s Notes

1. Basic Client Information

• Patient: healthy widowed male, age 75, w/ 3 grown children, in regular contact
• Physical Tests: all negative, no restrictions
• Recent Life Changes: wife’s died six months earlier
• Observable Behavior: ability to travel easily, positive facial expressions and conversation with son

2. Emotional Assessment

Although Bob is most likely lonely, there is a missing piece to this story – it’s grief and how it can often feel like physical pain.

Most often when he was alone at home, Bob would feel the aching pain of missing Ellie and their life together. Bob didn’t want to “bother his children” but he knew that if he needed to go to the doctor he could count on one of them to take him.

Although Bob wasn’t actually thinking of it this way, his doctor’s appointments were an “acceptable” way to visit his children.

When I mentioned this in a family session, Bob’s daughter said…”daddy we love you so much and when you tell us you’re fine alone… we believe you.”

3. Bob’s New Insight About the Role of Emotions in His Life

• his pain was emotional, NOT physical
• he ONLY felt comfortable asking for help with his physical pain
• its very “appropriate” to still be grieving Ellie’s death
• although no one was talking about it, the children were still grieving Ellie’s death too

Thankfully this is a happy story, Bob now has weekly outings and dinners with all his children and he is involved in a support group and photography class – and, he’s slowly healing.

If you are grieving, know that you are not alone, that grief is the universal emotion and it can also feel like physical pain.

Please, ask for emotional help if the pain becomes too unbearable.

Did you know that the actual number of neural connections going from your emotional areas to your cognitive (thinking) areas is greater than the number going the other way?

Your body is absorbing information all the time. It hears sounds, sees images and smells the environment, as well as the people in it.

Weather you act on it or not, you have an emotional response – then, your brain makes logical “word” sense out of it.

For example, if you felt a chill in the air – smelled wood, burning outside with cinnamon and apples – and heard the crackling of a fire, your sensory information would be greater than if you just thought about these things!

So, when I think about that woman I wonder…

• did she “feel fear,” possibly a signal to wait… but she didn’t.
• did she “feel confused,” possibly a signal to get more information… but she didn’t.

Who knows – but the fact is, her emotions gave her something and she saw it as “nothing.”

“Whats going on with me – I’m doing well and I’m thankful,” she thought. Then she began to feel guilty – “I have no right to feel bad – suck it up and get dressed,” she kept telling herself. Now Susan was totally confused about her emotions and she felt guilty for even having them!

Therapist’s Notes

Sometimes patients deny themselves normal, healthy emotions and the result is often an internal battle for acknowledgment. There is a difference between acknowledging “that” something happened AND acknowledging “how” something feels.

In many ways talking about “how” something feels is more healing than talking about the fact “that” it happened – The first is about being human and the second is about the facts.

Since Susan was caught in an emotional tug-of-war between being grateful and feeling. I think I would have said…Susan, you have just been through a life-threatening situation, this is your life and its precious and you get to feel this.

Because if you don’t its like a vapor and it will seep under every door of your life until you acknowledge it – until you acknowledge how you experienced it.

Then you can get on with your healing.

I love you and…

I commit to pump for you every day… all day… year after year without taking a vacation – from your first-beat in the womb to your final-beat at the end of your life.

I will do my best to pump for you although…

• you load me down with extra pounds - sometimes it feels like I’m pulling a truck up a hill.
• you have caused me to be weak because you never take me out for a walk.
• you think that your highly stressful emotions don’t “really” affect me – but they do.

Do you know that when you are anxious, worried, scared, angry or hostile, my beats get faster and irregular? I

beat in overdrive to prepare you for what you think you’re upset about.

So if you…

• see every little problem as a big problem
• let every little annoying thing upset you
• then I never get to rest
• if I never rest, then I can’t repair – and neither can you!
  

You’re a human and I want you to feel your life. And…I also want you to remember that YOU GET TO CHOOSE HOW YOU REACT to the situations in your life.

Here’s a Coping Strategy For You: ask yourself, “is this just an annoyance that will pass or do I need to commit some emotion to feeling it or figuring it out?”

The truth is, what we feel, that is, our emotions are a significant part of of our lives – they are the link between what we think and what we feel in our bodies.

For example:

• You’re thinking “I’m afraid: I can’t do this.”

• Your emotions will respond in line with what you’re thinking about – you may feel anxiety or panic.

• Your body answers and prepares a reaction to the thing you’re afraid of. It raises your blood pressure, gets your heart pumping harder and stops your digestion for the time being.

Now you’re ready for the fight… but it’s not really a fight, is it… it’s you, “thinking” you’re afraid of something.

Your heart can’t see – it listens to what YOU tell it!

Your heart can’t tell the difference between feeling afraid that you can’t do something or feeling afraid because a tiger is chasing you!

This is a basic example of your body’s fight-or-flight response – You activate your fight-or-flight response all through your day – it’s designed to work with your emotions giving you information about how you feel.

The unnecessary wear on your heart happens when you keep the fight-or-flight response turned on HIGH all the time because it prevents your heart from resting. We all need rest, even your heart!

Begin seeing your emotional links by working backwards: start with your actions (they’re the easiest to remember) – then ask yourself…

3. How did I behave? (run, cry, scream, hit)

2. What emotion did I feel? (fear, sadness, anxiety)

1. What was I thinking? (I can’t do this, I hate this, I’m no good at this)

Okay, switch the order and look at how each affects the other.  (be patient with yourself, it takes a little practice)

• (1) I thought that I couldn’t do it
• (2) I felt anxious
• (3) I ran away

NOW… what if you thought… “I might be able to do it.”

Changing how you see the problem, will help you change your emotional reaction and reduce the emotional stress on your heart!