“I never thought of forgiving my eight year-old self,” Amanda said. We were discussing her reactions to a talk I’d just given to a women’s group titled, How What We Say To Ourselves Affects How We Feel.
In the talk, I’d asked the women to think about a mistake they’d made as an adult – one that was social in nature, like an inappropriate comment. Then, I asked them to see themselves as an eight year-old girl.
I wanted to shift their thinking about this mistake from the standard adult assessment of what should have been done, to empathy for themselves as little girls who simply got it wrong.
This was Celia’s response to her eight year-old self:
“Celia, I know that you repeated some gossip that hurt your friend and now she is upset with you. I’m guessing you’re feeling upset with yourself too.
Maybe you were jealous, maybe you were careless, but it’s important to your friendship to apologize for your actions.
When you tell her you’re sorry, please don’t say that you didn’t mean it…say that you shouldn’t have done it.
You made a mistake and it’s human, you are not a bad person because of it. If your friend knows that you know how your words hurt her, then you BOTH have the best chance of healing.”
In my work as a therapist, I’ve come to see that people judge their worth by the mistakes they’ve made and then go on to criticize and belittle themselves for years after.
Women especially, can hold themselves to standards that aren’t realistic – that they can’t get it wrong…and when they do, they decide that they’re flawed. Some women even go back over their histories in search of old mistakes and inadequacies that confirm what they believe.
I know mistake. When I was trying to heal from my accident, if I had gotten something right it would have been seen as wrong, a fluke. So getting it wrong, became my normal – then eventually, just another route for me to learn. Yes, I felt hurt by words, but I quickly learned that my only choice was to have empathy for myself.
You will not stop making mistakes, but you can change the way you see yourself when you do. I’m not about living in La La Land, I know that many adult mistakes demand adult attention. What I want is for you to imagine your eight year-old self when you make a mistake, acknowledge the emotion and have empathy for that child who’s still trying to get it right…for yourself.